'Rediscovering Humility' through the lens of an understudy.

Let me start this by saying that I am willing to die for my dreams. I mean that. Storytelling is more than my job, it is my purpose, and I am meant to do it through many platforms. 

I am saying this to say that for the longest I have believed that I possess humility and I still believe that I have it... but I have realized that I have forgotten the weight of the word and have been on the journey of rediscovering it. 

On https://positivepsychology.com/humility/ it says that "Humility is an attitude of spiritual modesty that comes from understanding our place in the larger order of things. It entails not taking our desires, successes, or failings too seriously."

This past month I have been professionally working as an understudy for the first time and I mentally struggled with the role of it. It's not that I couldn't do it, in fact, I learned all 71 pages of the play that I have been working on for the past few months, I've learned the tracks of two characters, and have rehearsed them to honor the director's vision while making them my own... but I struggled with the possibility of not performing at all. 

Let me also say that it's not about me. I know that. I'm not an artist that tell stories for the sake of me just being seen. I tell stories to hopefully change the molecules of those experiencing it. I am humble enough to understand my place within the bigger picture and I know that many artists go through the understudying duty, but my passion and ambition makes it hard for me to sit idle. I am grateful for this opportunity and the trust to cover what was a heavy lift. I know that it was my job to do so, and I am not one for comparison of any sort but... ambition. 

My ambition makes me selfish in the midst of me wanting to change the world. I want to help tell the story. I want to use my voice. I want to, in Shakespeare's words, "amaze indeed the very faculties of eyes and ears." It tore at me that I wouldn't perform so much that I've had a few dreams of me actually getting the chance to do it. It makes me sad. My anxiousness caused a tight pain in my chest closing day and I thought I might've needed to go to the hospital. It's crazy that my ambition would do that to me. 

My therapist said something wonderful the other day that made me feel better about the work. He said that I've done everything in theater except this. He's right. I've lead quite a few shows at this point. I've portrayed roles far from me, and have been challenged like no other, but I've also asked God to continue allowing me to grow as an artist, and to stretch my abilities. God has given me the job to Understudy not only a lead that doesn't leave the stage, but a supporting character as well which required me to live in the script in prep for four months. This is the hardest job I ever had to do and there was an agony at the pit of my stomach, each day that didn't contribute to telling the story. Even more than that, I just wanted to further prove to myself, that I could do anything, even something as hard as this. 

I've been thinking about these Kendrick Lamar lyrics in 'Count me Out': 

"I care too much

wanna share too much

in my head too much

I shut down too

I ain't there too much 

I'm a complex soul"

This is true for me. My level of care brought me to tears. I have a new appreciation for understudies. They are heroes with impossible jobs and they should be valued more. They should be given flowers. As I aim to bask in arts leadership positions, I have the mind to advocate that all understudies should have at least two performances guaranteed in their contracts no matter if the principals can perform or not. it's the least companies and unions can do. I advocate to add to the role so that the work may not ever feel in vain. 

They deserve it. 

My therapist asked me: "Do you feel accomplished from this job?"

This was hard question. My instinct says "no." I think it's because I have not the opportunity to prove that the principal role was covered. I do feel accomplished in all of the work I've done, and knowing that I can do it, but this has all felt like a test. God always has a plan though, and I can bet that the "no" will turn to a yes in the future. 

This is all to say, if you're reading this, that your feelings towards things you're passionate about are valid. Even if you feel disappointed about something now, know that the sun will come out eventually. Everything happens for a reason whether you see it or not. You are valuable. 

I am grateful for this experience. I am grateful to the journey, to my wonderful director, associate director, the theater, the cast, the crew, and the other fellow heroic understudies who I built wonderful relations with during this job. 

Three cheers for us. Hip-hip! 

~ CDSJ

Music

My first dream ever was to be a musician. This is a desire that I often fantasize about from time to time. If I can think back to my childhood I wanted to be like Michael Jackson or Lil' Bow Wow. A pop artist and a rapper. As I got older, rapping was something I leaned on more, so I began writing rhymes (that were so elementary at the time). This is all proof that since I was a kid, I've been telling stories. 

Fast forward to 2025, I'm still a storyteller; music has just not been my main outlet. I've recently started living some of my musical fantasy by writing the book and lyrics of a musical for the stage. It's currently in development. I'm writing the lyrics with a friend named Ndanu Mutisya, (who is a wonderful multi-faceted artist who collaborated with me on my full-length play, Lotus, and the Unlikely Crew) as well as Glenn Alexander, who shares a similar journey as me. We both are from Texas, studied the arts at Prairie View A &M University, pledged a D9 fraternity, studied classically, and moved to New York City. In a way I feel like we are bonded artists on a similar journey utilizing different outlets. 

The musical we're developing is one of the hardest pieces I've ever written. I've been working on it for a few years now. It centers legendary blues artist, Robert Johnson. That's all I will say about it at the moment. Stay tuned for more though as I plan on announcing it this year. 

All of this being said, in this lifetime I still want to make the music I grew up wanting to make. Both solo, and in a group/band. I hate labels so I'm not 100% sure how I want my music to sound but I want it to make people feel good about themselves, inspire confidence, boundlessness, pull at heart strings, tell stories, and last but not least, make people DANCE. 

I have a brother named Lani Jae who is also a multi-faceted artist. One of those facets is music. Every time I listen to his music I get inspired and excited. We both are very different from each other, while very much the same; and for the most part, we love the same music. I have thought over and over again that if I was in a group, I'd want it to be a duo, with him. 

Why? We are both eccentric. 

ec-cen-tric

(of a person or their behavior) unconventional and slightly strange.

When it comes to me and Lani Jae, we like the same things and very different things. 

His music began eccentric, but his personality (to me) is mainstream. 

My personality is eccentric, but I believe the music I would make would be mainstream. 

These are two eccentric scientific mixtures that have always worked and I have inspirations from groups that I would use as our foundation. 

1. Outkast. 

Andre and Big Boi are extremely different in everything; but there has to be some common ground that they both revel in for them to make music as wonderful and complex as they do. 

2. Daft Punk

I have always loved their disguise. I have never known the reason they decided to be robots but what I do love is that it removes ego from the picture. In research I've learned that separately their productions sound different, but when they come together (despite having different tastes) they morph into giants. 

I don't know what my musical journey holds, but I know that I'm tagging in at some point! 

- CDSJ

                                                                CJ Stewart, Lani Jae

                                                              Prairie View A&M, 2013

Chasing Starlight: a poem in blank verse

Celestial being where are you hidden.

I have looked amongst the stars on a chase

Without the resource of a telescope.

I can see as far as my eyes allow  

But I’ve had visions of you star dancing.

I’m conscious that you are not of this world.

You are bound by no rules and live freely. 

Living with galaxies deep inside you

Made of dreams so bright gazing eyes will burn

Well, scorch my eyes then if I’m allowed to yearn 

For you are everything a world can need 

Harvesting the sun moon planets and stars.

If I could view one thing in my lifetime

I would die with the heart of pandora

Content with the gift of seeing you shine. 

CDSJ

The Abroad Letter: a poem in blank verse

The sun shines softly in my apartment 

As I stand here idly in my kitchen 

Anticipating your starry letter

Wondering if my flower scented words

Have reached you and what your thoughts are of them. 

My heart feels a flutter of excitement

Like you are writing from a place abroad;

Though, in truth, we stand on similar ground 

Linked by art, culture, internet, and words.

I hate the internet but it made this

Connection that I have baited and hooked

With hopes of give-and-take through our shared gifts.

So I sit here with my pen feeling odd

Writing letters from a place that feels abroad. 

- CDSJ

Homer's Odyssey and Southern Hospitality

Hey family !

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. For those that are reading this, I have been reading the Odyssey since December and I have finally finished this epic tale. What struck me the most in this story was how the Greeks approached hospitality in the ancient times and how it subtly aligns with southern hospitality, in which I was raised. 

In Ancient Greek times it was normal to accept someone into your house. Often they would invite the stranger to eat, drink, and potentially stay the night. If you were noble and appeared important the Greeks would also offer gifts. 

This was normal. The only thing the host requested in return was respect and to hear the strangers’ story. (I mean, wouldn't you want to know who was in your house? But this was done after the eating and drinking). And if you treated a stranger rudely, it was frowned upon by society as well as the Gods. Zeus watched over travelers as well as the homeless. If you had it, the courtesy was to give. 

Southern hospitality isn’t as strict as Ancient Greek hospitality. Where I'm from, if a stranger came along with a familiar person, they are offered food and drink. They are also offered anything that would make them comfortable in the hosts’ home. When you enter a southern persons’ home, it’s expected that you speak upon entry, and before you leave. Manners and courtesy are important, as is in Ancient Greek. 

If a southern person has at least 1 guest during dinner, it’s expected that you cook for the entire house. And both, Greeks, and southerners LOVE watching the guests enjoy their meals. 

I really enjoyed this book. My first attempt at it was in high school but my ADHD prevented me from getting into it. I really thought it was boring compared to the Iliad (which I also haven’t read yet) but as an adult, I’ve learned to calm my mind to read big books. I love that this story, the Odyssey, is a story full of stories. 

I have discovered that as a writer, my gift, and niche, are writing epics. My mind is broad, and the stories that I end up writing are vast. So far I’ve written two, and I’m working on my third. My first epic that I wrote is called, Lotus and the Unlikely Crew. It is set in the 18th century and it is an epic tragedy about a group of captured Africans who hijack a ship and become pirates, who instead of hunting for gold, are out to intercept slave ships and free the people in the middle of the transatlantic slave trade. It is written as a book and play.

My second epic is an hour long Black epic fantasy called DEAD HERO. You can find info via this deadline article (shameless plug): https://deadline.com/2024/05/ivy-lion-productions-unveils-tv-development-slate-1235945979/

Big thanks to my brother Connor for buying me this book for my birthday! And thank you to Emily Wilson, for translating this epic, in verse! I had so much fun counting the meters in each line, and wish it were short enough to perform! 

Brilliant work. 

The Rules of Time

What is Time? 

Why do we think we have it thus not knowing our dial's expiration date. 

Today. 

Tomorrow. 

Is it just a construct to standardize the steadiness of dormant desires? 

A tool used by humanity to excuse ambitions in the measurement of others? 

What if it weren't used to measure. 

What if it didn't exist. 

Would our hearts be more full with no beat? 

Time leads love; can love not lead the other?

We believe that it is disastrous. 

Scary, even. 

To give love with no time. 

An ally once said "I love you" in seven days. 

With distance. 

They proved time wrong. 

With love. 

And has a new soul bond. 

There is no rule to love that is real. 

Only standards surrounding, you. 

Love has once been an enemy. 

But under that mask, was time. 

I shall let my radical passions run wild. 

With no apology. 

And yet i sit in minutes, hours, days, with my thoughts. 

Wondering if i'm wasting time. 

Or if time is wasting me.

CDSJ

In Another Universe: A poem in Blank Verse

I’ve felt a strange ripple in my timeline 

Like something has went completely wrong 

And this something only myself had felt 

I am ashamed to admit what happened 

Bitterness here I promise is not held 

nor is that green eyed monster that we know 

But I would not be true to myself if 

I stated I didn’t feel anything 

Its the first thing I’ve felt since I let go 

of my very first sense of love and pain 

The ripple in time I think is an error 

Yet my soul is content with the outcome 

Of you in love with an alternate me 

I have been studying to express my thoughts 

With clarity how I feel about this 

I still don’t hold the words my heart won’t say 

But somewhere in another universe 

We are together how it should have been

But where I have to live in this wrong time 

She keeps up with a name that’s not only mine

-CDSJ