Sunday, February 15, 2015

4AM In Dallas

Yesterday, I got that old feeling again. It was a feeling that I thought I was over. A feeling that comes back during random times of my life. A feeling that punches me in my Gut, taking away a piece of my sanity every time it comes. This time this feeling came in the middle of the night. Let me take you back a bit so you will "MAYBE" understand my Pain. 

Like most young BLACK children, I didn't have my father in my life. I actually met him when I was 17, the verge of adulthood. Such an Awkward day meeting a person that is supposed to be your biggest role model. The supposedly provider of the family, (so I've read all the years) A Father, my father. The man that has 5 boys and 1 girl, but out of the 5 boys, one was abandoned. That boy was me. Interesting word Huh? Abandoned. 

Abandoned [uh-ban-duh nd] 1.
forsaken or deserted:
an abandoned building; anabandoned kitten.

Atleast that's how I felt. Left out. Forsaken Not cared about. The Misfit. 

Sometimes in my life when I feel left out from the people I'm the most close to in my life, this feeling returns. This punch in my gut. I'm 21 now, and I've thought the feeling vacated me completely, but it decides to return in the most bizarre times. It was 4AM in Dallas, and that feeling came back. I didn't know how to control my sadness so I went walking and cried. Sometimes it's good to cry. I cried outside and when I got inside I cried in the bathroom. I was at my Alpha texas convention, in an Hotel. My line brother caught me and told me that I was not alone. He shouldered me in his own way. After that it was over. 

Father Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me? 

Dad - 
"All those times I cried for you, you never came
Out of all the sports I played
You never showed up at one game
All of the awards I received
I never heard you clap
You were never there
For me to sit on your lap
All the times I fell
and scratched my knee
You were the one who wasn't there
To comfort me
All those times I was bored
And wanted someone to call
You still weren't there
Not there at all
I always tried to make you proud
Hoping you would love me more
but you never seemed to care
So what did I even do it for
You weren't there for any of my firsts
Might not be for any of my lasts
It's like you're not here in my present
Just like you weren't there in my past
I try to move on
But no one knows how hard it is
For your own father not to love you
As much as he loves his other kids
But I hold my head high
To keep things from looking so bad
But deep down I still wish
I had love from my dad" - Unknown 

For those who've felt this way, just know that God brings some of us to these things in order to have a certain strength that most people can't have, use this Blog to know that you are not alone. Their are millions of us going through the same things. I feel good, I'm blessed, healthy, and this strength helps me to fight for my dreams even harder so that I'm able to take care of the next generation to come and the people to continue my legacy. Hope this empowers you, Thanks. -CDSJ👑⚫️

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