'Rediscovering Humility' through the lens of an understudy.

Let me start this by saying that I am willing to die for my dreams. I mean that. Storytelling is more than my job, it is my purpose, and I am meant to do it through many platforms. 

I am saying this to say that for the longest I have believed that I possess humility and I still believe that I have it... but I have realized that I have forgotten the weight of the word and have been on the journey of rediscovering it. 

On https://positivepsychology.com/humility/ it says that "Humility is an attitude of spiritual modesty that comes from understanding our place in the larger order of things. It entails not taking our desires, successes, or failings too seriously."

This past month I have been professionally working as an understudy for the first time and I mentally struggled with the role of it. It's not that I couldn't do it, in fact, I learned all 71 pages of the play that I have been working on for the past few months, I've learned the tracks of two characters, and have rehearsed them to honor the director's vision while making them my own... but I struggled with the possibility of not performing at all. 

Let me also say that it's not about me. I know that. I'm not an artist that tell stories for the sake of me just being seen. I tell stories to hopefully change the molecules of those experiencing it. I am humble enough to understand my place within the bigger picture and I know that many artists go through the understudying duty, but my passion and ambition makes it hard for me to sit idle. I am grateful for this opportunity and the trust to cover what was a heavy lift. I know that it was my job to do so, and I am not one for comparison of any sort but... ambition. 

My ambition makes me selfish in the midst of me wanting to change the world. I want to help tell the story. I want to use my voice. I want to, in Shakespeare's words, "amaze indeed the very faculties of eyes and ears." It tore at me that I wouldn't perform so much that I've had a few dreams of me actually getting the chance to do it. It makes me sad. My anxiousness caused a tight pain in my chest closing day and I thought I might've needed to go to the hospital. It's crazy that my ambition would do that to me. 

My therapist said something wonderful the other day that made me feel better about the work. He said that I've done everything in theater except this. He's right. I've lead quite a few shows at this point. I've portrayed roles far from me, and have been challenged like no other, but I've also asked God to continue allowing me to grow as an artist, and to stretch my abilities. God has given me the job to Understudy not only a lead that doesn't leave the stage, but a supporting character as well which required me to live in the script in prep for four months. This is the hardest job I ever had to do and there was an agony at the pit of my stomach, each day that didn't contribute to telling the story. Even more than that, I just wanted to further prove to myself, that I could do anything, even something as hard as this. 

I've been thinking about these Kendrick Lamar lyrics in 'Count me Out': 

"I care too much

wanna share too much

in my head too much

I shut down too

I ain't there too much 

I'm a complex soul"

This is true for me. My level of care brought me to tears. I have a new appreciation for understudies. They are heroes with impossible jobs and they should be valued more. They should be given flowers. As I aim to bask in arts leadership positions, I have the mind to advocate that all understudies should have at least two performances guaranteed in their contracts no matter if the principals can perform or not. it's the least companies and unions can do. I advocate to add to the role so that the work may not ever feel in vain. 

They deserve it. 

My therapist asked me: "Do you feel accomplished from this job?"

This was hard question. My instinct says "no." I think it's because I have not the opportunity to prove that the principal role was covered. I do feel accomplished in all of the work I've done, and knowing that I can do it, but this has all felt like a test. God always has a plan though, and I can bet that the "no" will turn to a yes in the future. 

This is all to say, if you're reading this, that your feelings towards things you're passionate about are valid. Even if you feel disappointed about something now, know that the sun will come out eventually. Everything happens for a reason whether you see it or not. You are valuable. 

I am grateful for this experience. I am grateful to the journey, to my wonderful director, associate director, the theater, the cast, the crew, and the other fellow heroic understudies who I built wonderful relations with during this job. 

Three cheers for us. Hip-hip! 

~ CDSJ

Music

My first dream ever was to be a musician. This is a desire that I often fantasize about from time to time. If I can think back to my childhood I wanted to be like Michael Jackson or Lil' Bow Wow. A pop artist and a rapper. As I got older, rapping was something I leaned on more, so I began writing rhymes (that were so elementary at the time). This is all proof that since I was a kid, I've been telling stories. 

Fast forward to 2025, I'm still a storyteller; music has just not been my main outlet. I've recently started living some of my musical fantasy by writing the book and lyrics of a musical for the stage. It's currently in development. I'm writing the lyrics with a friend named Ndanu Mutisya, (who is a wonderful multi-faceted artist who collaborated with me on my full-length play, Lotus, and the Unlikely Crew) as well as Glenn Alexander, who shares a similar journey as me. We both are from Texas, studied the arts at Prairie View A &M University, pledged a D9 fraternity, studied classically, and moved to New York City. In a way I feel like we are bonded artists on a similar journey utilizing different outlets. 

The musical we're developing is one of the hardest pieces I've ever written. I've been working on it for a few years now. It centers legendary blues artist, Robert Johnson. That's all I will say about it at the moment. Stay tuned for more though as I plan on announcing it this year. 

All of this being said, in this lifetime I still want to make the music I grew up wanting to make. Both solo, and in a group/band. I hate labels so I'm not 100% sure how I want my music to sound but I want it to make people feel good about themselves, inspire confidence, boundlessness, pull at heart strings, tell stories, and last but not least, make people DANCE. 

I have a brother named Lani Jae who is also a multi-faceted artist. One of those facets is music. Every time I listen to his music I get inspired and excited. We both are very different from each other, while very much the same; and for the most part, we love the same music. I have thought over and over again that if I was in a group, I'd want it to be a duo, with him. 

Why? We are both eccentric. 

ec-cen-tric

(of a person or their behavior) unconventional and slightly strange.

When it comes to me and Lani Jae, we like the same things and very different things. 

His music began eccentric, but his personality (to me) is mainstream. 

My personality is eccentric, but I believe the music I would make would be mainstream. 

These are two eccentric scientific mixtures that have always worked and I have inspirations from groups that I would use as our foundation. 

1. Outkast. 

Andre and Big Boi are extremely different in everything; but there has to be some common ground that they both revel in for them to make music as wonderful and complex as they do. 

2. Daft Punk

I have always loved their disguise. I have never known the reason they decided to be robots but what I do love is that it removes ego from the picture. In research I've learned that separately their productions sound different, but when they come together (despite having different tastes) they morph into giants. 

I don't know what my musical journey holds, but I know that I'm tagging in at some point! 

- CDSJ

                                                                CJ Stewart, Lani Jae

                                                              Prairie View A&M, 2013

Chasing Starlight: a poem in blank verse

Celestial being where are you hidden.

I have looked amongst the stars on a chase

Without the resource of a telescope.

I can see as far as my eyes allow  

But I’ve had visions of you star dancing.

I’m conscious that you are not of this world.

You are bound by no rules and live freely. 

Living with galaxies deep inside you

Made of dreams so bright gazing eyes will burn

Well, scorch my eyes then if I’m allowed to yearn 

For you are everything a world can need 

Harvesting the sun moon planets and stars.

If I could view one thing in my lifetime

I would die with the heart of pandora

Content with the gift of seeing you shine. 

CDSJ

The Abroad Letter: a poem in blank verse

The sun shines softly in my apartment 

As I stand here idly in my kitchen 

Anticipating your starry letter

Wondering if my flower scented words

Have reached you and what your thoughts are of them. 

My heart feels a flutter of excitement

Like you are writing from a place abroad;

Though, in truth, we stand on similar ground 

Linked by art, culture, internet, and words.

I hate the internet but it made this

Connection that I have baited and hooked

With hopes of give-and-take through our shared gifts.

So I sit here with my pen feeling odd

Writing letters from a place that feels abroad. 

- CDSJ

Homer's Odyssey and Southern Hospitality

Hey family !

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. For those that are reading this, I have been reading the Odyssey since December and I have finally finished this epic tale. What struck me the most in this story was how the Greeks approached hospitality in the ancient times and how it subtly aligns with southern hospitality, in which I was raised. 

In Ancient Greek times it was normal to accept someone into your house. Often they would invite the stranger to eat, drink, and potentially stay the night. If you were noble and appeared important the Greeks would also offer gifts. 

This was normal. The only thing the host requested in return was respect and to hear the strangers’ story. (I mean, wouldn't you want to know who was in your house? But this was done after the eating and drinking). And if you treated a stranger rudely, it was frowned upon by society as well as the Gods. Zeus watched over travelers as well as the homeless. If you had it, the courtesy was to give. 

Southern hospitality isn’t as strict as Ancient Greek hospitality. Where I'm from, if a stranger came along with a familiar person, they are offered food and drink. They are also offered anything that would make them comfortable in the hosts’ home. When you enter a southern persons’ home, it’s expected that you speak upon entry, and before you leave. Manners and courtesy are important, as is in Ancient Greek. 

If a southern person has at least 1 guest during dinner, it’s expected that you cook for the entire house. And both, Greeks, and southerners LOVE watching the guests enjoy their meals. 

I really enjoyed this book. My first attempt at it was in high school but my ADHD prevented me from getting into it. I really thought it was boring compared to the Iliad (which I also haven’t read yet) but as an adult, I’ve learned to calm my mind to read big books. I love that this story, the Odyssey, is a story full of stories. 

I have discovered that as a writer, my gift, and niche, are writing epics. My mind is broad, and the stories that I end up writing are vast. So far I’ve written two, and I’m working on my third. My first epic that I wrote is called, Lotus and the Unlikely Crew. It is set in the 18th century and it is an epic tragedy about a group of captured Africans who hijack a ship and become pirates, who instead of hunting for gold, are out to intercept slave ships and free the people in the middle of the transatlantic slave trade. It is written as a book and play.

My second epic is an hour long Black epic fantasy called DEAD HERO. You can find info via this deadline article (shameless plug): https://deadline.com/2024/05/ivy-lion-productions-unveils-tv-development-slate-1235945979/

Big thanks to my brother Connor for buying me this book for my birthday! And thank you to Emily Wilson, for translating this epic, in verse! I had so much fun counting the meters in each line, and wish it were short enough to perform! 

Brilliant work. 

The Rules of Time

What is Time? 

Why do we think we have it thus not knowing our dial's expiration date. 

Today. 

Tomorrow. 

Is it just a construct to standardize the steadiness of dormant desires? 

A tool used by humanity to excuse ambitions in the measurement of others? 

What if it weren't used to measure. 

What if it didn't exist. 

Would our hearts be more full with no beat? 

Time leads love; can love not lead the other?

We believe that it is disastrous. 

Scary, even. 

To give love with no time. 

An ally once said "I love you" in seven days. 

With distance. 

They proved time wrong. 

With love. 

And has a new soul bond. 

There is no rule to love that is real. 

Only standards surrounding, you. 

Love has once been an enemy. 

But under that mask, was time. 

I shall let my radical passions run wild. 

With no apology. 

And yet i sit in minutes, hours, days, with my thoughts. 

Wondering if i'm wasting time. 

Or if time is wasting me.

CDSJ

In Another Universe: A poem in Blank Verse

I’ve felt a strange ripple in my timeline 

Like something has went completely wrong 

And this something only myself had felt 

I am ashamed to admit what happened 

Bitterness here I promise is not held 

nor is that green eyed monster that we know 

But I would not be true to myself if 

I stated I didn’t feel anything 

Its the first thing I’ve felt since I let go 

of my very first sense of love and pain 

The ripple in time I think is an error 

Yet my soul is content with the outcome 

Of you in love with an alternate me 

I have been studying to express my thoughts 

With clarity how I feel about this 

I still don’t hold the words my heart won’t say 

But somewhere in another universe 

We are together how it should have been

But where I have to live in this wrong time 

She keeps up with a name that’s not only mine

-CDSJ

Bella Notte

Through the looking glass past midnight 

Looking forward to the future when I'd see you 

Every night - we talk - we laugh - we exist 

You said you felt safe with me I guess that was just for the moment 

You made space for me but now I guess I can't want it 

Time on the phone night after night 

Insomnia is keeping me high 

Your smile like caffeine keeping me up 

During a good night 

We spent too much time

Confusion, hey you sold me 

Always called to set the mood

My Beyonce Virgo's groove 

It seems like nothing is real

Am I not all you imagined in your 21 questions? 

You could call me Nike the way I checked off your list 

What a beautiful night when we were naming our kids

Oh, this is the night, it's a beautiful night 

We was gonna do Pasta Bella Notte 

You the lady I'm no tramp

Where the K9's cause I'm dogged 

It's my fault no trips no falls 

I took the walk of shame 

there is no fun without pain 

Tugging on my heart strings I had nothing to say 

I'll drown my sorrows with your favorite drink

Please go straight to my head 

I'm delusional so sober 

I stare at our text thread 

Ice cream flavors and idol

How you gonna do me like that? 

Thought you were Tyson 

the way you left me winded when I left dismissed 

Had me convinced 

I'm not a toy

Right after my show 

Thief of joy. 

You were everything I prayed for 

Je veux ton amour, I don't wanna be friends 

Got enough 

What the fuck 

I ain't on that friend shit I got enough 

Bella Notte 

Bella Notte 

For this is the night 

There's no end 

I wanted your love 

I don't wanna be friends 

Bella Notte 

Bella Notte 

Bella Notte 

You brought me to the top of the mountain just to push me off 

Signed, Your Disciple

Last night I dreamed about you. 

In the present. 

Everything seemed the way it should be. 

They way I imagined it when you moved here. 

But my fallacy of you is not at all true.

You arrived like a thief in the night. Like Jesus with all the glory. 

And I am here standing like a disciple wanting to be in your image. 

We are magnets in my delusion. But there was a time where it was true. A moment in time. 

You are here now. And you came like a thief in the night. And I am lost.

Because in the dream you cared about me. And how I treated you. 

But my eyes are open. 

And I’m just standing here. Like a disciple. All insecure. 

10/27/2022

She Asked Me (DRAFT 1)

Sometimes I truly wish I never met you 
These dreams are getting insane 
The thought of you is really clogging my brain 


Tried to cast you off 
For all the times you blew me off 
Why you stroll in my life With 
no intentions of being my wife

Does that scare you shawty? Speaking the future?
You keep dodging my calls 
Rather me than a loser 
They don’t know you like I do 
Things you told me, like I knew 

Our Timing off but what if it finally align?
Do you care for me as much as you say
Or are you constantly lying?

You asked me if I loved you 
Why tf you think I keep coming 
Waiting, for the time of day we both promised to save 

From that day you walked in 
I knew we’d be more than friends 
Now it’s like there’s not a sense of love 
Fuck, I thought you felt something 
Got me feeling like a bum cause you left me with nothing 
But these feelings to feel alone 
Worst kinda love is when it’s wrong 

I can’t blame you though I was stupid 
School was my biggest excuse 
The first Nigga to buy you flowers 
I’m just telling the truth 
You acting kinda shady, no destiny’s child 
Ain’t no stage to air this shit out cause you been Wild N’ Out 
Now I can spoil you, make you a flower bed 
I made you a crown of blue roses so you can wear on your head 

that time we took naps together 
Wanted to give you the world 
Holding you hot in my arms 
That day I made you my pearl

Feared them days you’d turn blue 
That you’d change this is true 
Went through that shit before 
With some whore, excuse my language some girl 

But those were my insecurities jumping 
Out the page like a marvel comic 
You had plans then I came stomping 
Pickup worse than an Uber coming 

Why tf I ain’t never even kissed you.
That thought be making me sick 
Cause now I’m across the world 
I be feeling like dropping this shit 

But we both know that’s not happening 
Grinding is what made me attract you 
Can’t move up out of my lane 
My red carpet date might be lame 
If it’s not a Pearl on my arm 
My multimedia charm 
That cutie hot with a mic 
Probably seeing a whole different type

And you know I'm true to this shit

Smacking niggas for you like Will Smith.  

Truth is ain’t no other nigga like me 
A walking check like I’m Nike 
Midas is out here to get it 
Damn how how much time I been spitting 
At you 

The time moving 
Will it ever be right? 
Cause in these dreams we live a whole different life 
It’s so short I’m tryna bill you my heart 
Before the world is over 
It’s already tore me apart 
I’m done with giving attention 
Better come and take advantage 
Don’t tell me “you’ll think about it” 
Like I’m not a nigga worth grabbing
Like I won’t treat you better than all these fools 
That won’t love you like I do 
All these women coming to me 
Plus I got a lotta shit to lose 
The one I want giving me them blues 
Leading me on with thoughts of loving me too 
Can’t get star struck like I got nothing to lose. 
You Kim and I’m cube. 

Fuck. 
She asked me “if I loved her” 
I’m like wtf you think I keep calling for. 

RAW

The ingredients to RAWNESS:

Truth

Scrap

Original

Authentic

Organic

Stripped Away

Pulled Back

Dominant

Dry

Layered Back

Digging

Honesty

This applies to living , eating and art. This applies to the soul. Digging to find whatever it is that WAS/IS the organic and full being. No lying. No layers. Straight everything and all of it laid out on a platter. You can see it and feel it. It is essential to finding out who you are. Baby's are RAW. Kids are RAW. Adults must dig. 

- Charles the second 

Shoes to fill 2020

Hello peeps, I genuinely hope everyone is staying safe and healthy in this quarantine. This has been a wild year so far but I am hanging in there. I know it has been awhile since I posted on this thing, but I had recently thought to write down some goals of mine and I'd thought to do it here! So I get this question a lot and since my mind rambles, I thought to document this and keep it updated. People always ask me "what are some of your dream roles?" Here’s a current list of roles that are on my goal/dream list. It’s hard saying “dream” sometimes because dreams are often fleeting. But these are some characters that have constantly been on my heart and in my peripheral: 

1. Hamlet from Hamlet 

I’ve gotten a taste in grad school with the “To be or not to be speech” and scene. It was such a tease. After jumping into those thought's and emotions.. I knew I HAD to play Hamlet. Jumping into that speech is not a cake walk. I would love to explore Hamlets journey from beginning to end. I want to play him because I believe he is like me. I can relate to him and his soliloquy’s leave me in tears. This play also hold's one of my favorite Shakespeare quotes, "To thine ownself be true."

2. Boy Willie from The Piano Lesson 

In 2014 I got a chance to take part in a Wilson play and was lucky enough to play Lymon in The Piano Lesson. Playing Lymon Jackson taught me a lot about exploring what to do on the stage without having many lines. He in fact, has many lines but they mostly appear in the second act. I will say, doing this play with my best friend leading as Boy Willie showed me of how much I am also like Boy Willie in regards to making sure his goals are achieved to better his life no matter what. Boy Willie was the first role I believe I executed an audition for. God just said it wasn’t my time to play him then, I think the time is coming now.

3. Hedley II from King Hedley II 

This is another one of August Wilson’s plays in the Pittsburgh cycle. My relationship to this piece is that in my undergrad at Prairie View A&M University, I learned a monologue from this play my senior year. It’s one of my go-to pieces and it resonates so well with me because I know people in Hedley II’s situation. I’ve seen the play live in England at Theatre Royal Stratford East and this rendition only confirmed that I had a desire to live as Hedley, to deeply understand the emotions of a person or people that I already know.

4. Bottom from A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This is a rather new goal. This is my first and favorite Shakespeare work. Why? I’m in love with both magic and comedy! I have a very special relationship with this play. When I first auditioned for it in 2013 I was going for puck and was a very new actor. I really didn’t know how to take direction in a callback as much as I did after I made my mistake in this audition. I didn’t get puck but later in 2018 I played a character in ‘She Stoops to Conquer” named Tony Lumpkin (Who I would actually love to play again publicly). He was pretty much who puck was and I would say, restoration/Georgian theatre requires so much. Because of my love for Tony, I don’t care much as I did to play Puck because he was it pretty much. He created the problems in the play AND fixed them. I’ve recently gained interest in the bombastic BOTTOM. He is as ambitious as me and I would love to explore the layers that he possesses and make the viewers smile while doing it.

"Let me play the lion too. I will roar, that I will do any man's heart good to hear me. I will roar, that I will make the duke say, "Let him roar again. Let him roar again."

5. Cory from Fences 

In regards to Cory. I don’t think I ever had him in my peripheral until I did a scene as him with one of my good friends in 2017. We did it in honor of his dad and it was so heartwarming. After the scene, another actor approached me and told me “you should definitely go out for Cory.” That was a sign, and since then, I’ve had him on my list. He represents a new generation of thinking, of ambition, of dreams in a very fenced household.

6. Scar from The Lion King 

I’ve been in love with The Lion King since I was a child and very recently I deemed “Be Prepared” as one of my favorite songs in the movie. Scar is also my favorite Disney villain. I love playing villains.

7. Hercules from Disney’s Hercules 

This has been on my mind recently, but not because of the live action remake announcement, but because of The Public Theater in NYC. I didn’t get to see the production but I followed it heavily and was Inspired by seeing a Black Hercules. It really reminded me that once again, it does not matter the race of a Disney character unless it’s very specific. Since then, I’ve had an urge in wanting to play the mighty God and filling the shoes of someone who went “Zero to Hero.” I would love to play him on stage or even on film.

8. Spider-Man ‘Miles Morales’ 

I’ve been hearing about Miles since he was first created in 2011. I actually didn’t know who he was until a former comic loving coworker mentioned “you should look into miles morales, you resemble him.” After I looked him up, I was immediately blown away by his creation and his story. I was instantaneously connected to him and was in awe because Peter Parker’s Spider-Man had always been my favorite hero since I was a baby. Now there is an opportunity in swinging around NYC for me. I’ve even gone as far as writing a pilot. “I am Spider-Man.”

Honorable mention: Spurio from The Revengers Tragedy.

- CJ